I’m kind of losing it. I am yet again facing another night of no sleep thanks to dreadful insomnia. Again. And no sleep does not help my already poor mental health.
I’ve never been a good sleeper. Neither is my mother, so I come by this naturally. But as anyone with chronic illness will tell you, sleep is an integral part of keeping well. Unfortunately, despite my best attempts, I am just not that lucky.
The problem is multi-fold. I struggle with getting to sleep, staying asleep and waking up too early. Often all three at once. It is made worse by perimenopausal night sweats which require multiple changes of PJs and sometimes even the sheets. Ongoing back and hip problems can make it difficult to find a comfortable position, even with a good mattress. Sometimes my body is tired, but my brain isn’t. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Sometimes my eyes are tired, but neither my brain nor my body are. Then there is the Crohnie curse of being awakened by your own stomach noises.
And everything is made much worse when the Brain Weasels and “Late Night What-Ifs” http://esl.fis.edu/learners/fis/current/english/poetry/whatif.htm come to roost.
Four months on Pred meant four months of drug induced sleep deprivation. And six months since coming off Pred, things haven’t gotten much better.
And believe me, I have tried just about everything to help me sleep. ‘Have a dark environment.’ Apparently black out blinds, no street lighting on my cul-de-sac and a sleep mask are not enough. ‘Try using white noise’. I’ve tried the following forms - fans, humidifiers, air purifiers, low-level radio static, classical music, leaving the window open for road noise - none of them work.
‘Have some hot milk’ - doesn’t work for me and I don’t like the taste. ‘Have a drink!” While too much alcohol can make me sleepy, I end up with fitful, restless sleep rather than a sleep worth having. ‘Have a relaxing bath’ - just wakes me up. ‘Do more exercise’ - wakes me up. ‘Do gentle exercise’ - as someone who has done Tai Chi for years, I can say also doesn’t help me sleep.
‘Read!’ - I do loads of reading - mindless stuff, children’s books, young adult fiction, books I can’t get into, 800 page tombs of political or social history, academic papers, case law, policy and procedures manuals, legislation - I have tried it all. Doesn’t work.
‘Take some herbal remedies’ - two points on this - a) which herbal remedy, there are thousands; and b) when you have the number of allergies I have, taking untested herbal remedies is not necessarily a good idea. ‘Ask you GP for sleeping tablets’. I know this works well for some, but they leave me zombified and still unable to sleep, and frankly, the last thing I need with the state of my mental health is a one way ticket down the road of benzo dependency.
So here I am, wide awake at 4am with 2 ½ hours to go until my alarm goes off. Again. I’m past being fed up with this shit. Is it too much to ask for a few good night’s sleep? Yes, apparently it is. As is asking life to cut me a break for a change. That, apparently, is asking far too much.
I’ve never been a good sleeper. Neither is my mother, so I come by this naturally. But as anyone with chronic illness will tell you, sleep is an integral part of keeping well. Unfortunately, despite my best attempts, I am just not that lucky.
And everything is made much worse when the Brain Weasels and “Late Night What-Ifs” http://esl.fis.edu/learners/fis/current/english/poetry/whatif.htm come to roost.
Four months on Pred meant four months of drug induced sleep deprivation. And six months since coming off Pred, things haven’t gotten much better.
‘Have some hot milk’ - doesn’t work for me and I don’t like the taste. ‘Have a drink!” While too much alcohol can make me sleepy, I end up with fitful, restless sleep rather than a sleep worth having. ‘Have a relaxing bath’ - just wakes me up. ‘Do more exercise’ - wakes me up. ‘Do gentle exercise’ - as someone who has done Tai Chi for years, I can say also doesn’t help me sleep.
‘Read!’ - I do loads of reading - mindless stuff, children’s books, young adult fiction, books I can’t get into, 800 page tombs of political or social history, academic papers, case law, policy and procedures manuals, legislation - I have tried it all. Doesn’t work.
‘Take some herbal remedies’ - two points on this - a) which herbal remedy, there are thousands; and b) when you have the number of allergies I have, taking untested herbal remedies is not necessarily a good idea. ‘Ask you GP for sleeping tablets’. I know this works well for some, but they leave me zombified and still unable to sleep, and frankly, the last thing I need with the state of my mental health is a one way ticket down the road of benzo dependency.
So here I am, wide awake at 4am with 2 ½ hours to go until my alarm goes off. Again. I’m past being fed up with this shit. Is it too much to ask for a few good night’s sleep? Yes, apparently it is. As is asking life to cut me a break for a change. That, apparently, is asking far too much.
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