“I don’t mean to be nosey, but I’ve been thinking that you’ve lost a lot of weight.” - Random Colleague
“No offence, but that outfit really doesn’t fit you anymore.” - Random Friend
“Geez, there’s hardly anything left of you!” - Random Colleague
“Wow! You’ve lost so much weight! You look great!” - Random woman I occasionally see at the hairdresser
“I was just saying to my husband that you haven’t looked well, you look like you’ve been wasting away.” - Random Neighbour
Just a few of the comments I have had over the past few months and in my head all I can think is “I KNOW!” and “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WILL YOU STOP REMINDING ME?!!!”
The one topic that I have struggled to write about most in this blog has been issues with body image. I can talk more openly about the ongoing difficulties Crohn’s has contributed to with my mental health than I can about what Crohn’s has done to my body image. As a woman who has generally prided herself on not obsessing about her weight and body image (unlike many women who are socialised in the Western world), I have found this part of the Crohn’s journey very difficult. A big part of is because the hospital have made such a big deal about it as I outlined in an earlier post - http://foodlovingcrohnie.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/the-great-weight-debate.html But the other sad reality is that I lost the best part of 3 stone (about 40lbs for you non-Brits) very quickly at end of last year and the fact is that all of the above statements were just stating the hurtful truth (except for that woman at the hair dresser, more about her later).
But I seriously could do without the constant reminders.
When I was at my lowest weight, I couldn’t stand to look at myself. I was completely and utterly ashamed of my body. I mean really, truly ashamed. You could easily see my ribs, my spine and some of my wrist bones. I actually removed the mirror from the bathroom for a couple of months so that I didn’t have to look at my emaciated self. It was horrible, not only because I was ashamed of what I looked like but also because I was ashamed that I felt that way about myself. I’ve had to do a lot of work on these feelings, and I do mean A LOT of work, but one of the worst things about “shame based emotions” is having them constantly re-enforced by those around you.
And I get enough re-enforcement every time I open my wardrobe and I'm faced with a pile of clothes that don’t fit anymore.
To give a demonstration of just how much weight I’ve lost, here’s me today wearing a pair of jeans that fit 15 months ago.
To give a context as to how big these jeans really are now, I was able to stuff a pudgy teddy down them.
And for fun and giggles, I discovered that I can actually stuff 5 teddies down them.
Of course, the irony of this demonstration is that I’ve actually gained back just short of half of the weight I lost at the end of last year. I could probably have fit ten teddies down those jeans back in January.
Despite the media implying that women somehow gain weight just by looking at something “fattening” (and I could really rant about the media and women’s body image, but I’ll leave that for another time), gaining weight is actually harder than you think. You need to consume an awful lot of calories over and above what your ideal daily intake should be over a significant period for it to actually result in sustainable weight gain. And that’s assuming that you spend a lot of time on the sofa, which I don’t.
I was on holiday last week, which involved lots of visits to various National Trust sites in the West Country and that involved consuming vast quantities of really yummy cake. And I didn't gain a thing. Some people might relish the idea of eating indulgent cake and not gaining weight, but when you have IBD, it’s not really that simple. One of the main hallmarks of Crohn's is "malabsorption" where your body doesn't absorb much from the food you eat when you are in a flare. The hospital prescribed low-residue-low-fibre-fat-restricted-diet the hospital prescribed doesn’t help (I’ve given up the fat-restricted part now). And despite weight gain being one of the main side effects of Prednisolone, there is a small minority of us who have the exact opposite reaction to it. Gaining weight can be a bit of an uphill battle for some of us Crohnies.
So what I am asking is this. If you haven’t seen me in a while and want to comment about my weight, I am kindly asking you to keep your thoughts to yourself in my presence. Feel free to gossip behind my back about it, but I really don’t want to hear it.
And to that woman at the hair dresser? Seriously sweetie, I really don’t recommend Crohn’s Disease as a weight loss plan. If you want my Crohn's, please take it from me. I'll even give it away for free.
“No offence, but that outfit really doesn’t fit you anymore.” - Random Friend
“Geez, there’s hardly anything left of you!” - Random Colleague
“Wow! You’ve lost so much weight! You look great!” - Random woman I occasionally see at the hairdresser
“I was just saying to my husband that you haven’t looked well, you look like you’ve been wasting away.” - Random Neighbour
Just a few of the comments I have had over the past few months and in my head all I can think is “I KNOW!” and “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WILL YOU STOP REMINDING ME?!!!”
The one topic that I have struggled to write about most in this blog has been issues with body image. I can talk more openly about the ongoing difficulties Crohn’s has contributed to with my mental health than I can about what Crohn’s has done to my body image. As a woman who has generally prided herself on not obsessing about her weight and body image (unlike many women who are socialised in the Western world), I have found this part of the Crohn’s journey very difficult. A big part of is because the hospital have made such a big deal about it as I outlined in an earlier post - http://foodlovingcrohnie.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/the-great-weight-debate.html But the other sad reality is that I lost the best part of 3 stone (about 40lbs for you non-Brits) very quickly at end of last year and the fact is that all of the above statements were just stating the hurtful truth (except for that woman at the hair dresser, more about her later).
But I seriously could do without the constant reminders.
When I was at my lowest weight, I couldn’t stand to look at myself. I was completely and utterly ashamed of my body. I mean really, truly ashamed. You could easily see my ribs, my spine and some of my wrist bones. I actually removed the mirror from the bathroom for a couple of months so that I didn’t have to look at my emaciated self. It was horrible, not only because I was ashamed of what I looked like but also because I was ashamed that I felt that way about myself. I’ve had to do a lot of work on these feelings, and I do mean A LOT of work, but one of the worst things about “shame based emotions” is having them constantly re-enforced by those around you.
And I get enough re-enforcement every time I open my wardrobe and I'm faced with a pile of clothes that don’t fit anymore.
To give a demonstration of just how much weight I’ve lost, here’s me today wearing a pair of jeans that fit 15 months ago.
Despite the media implying that women somehow gain weight just by looking at something “fattening” (and I could really rant about the media and women’s body image, but I’ll leave that for another time), gaining weight is actually harder than you think. You need to consume an awful lot of calories over and above what your ideal daily intake should be over a significant period for it to actually result in sustainable weight gain. And that’s assuming that you spend a lot of time on the sofa, which I don’t.
I was on holiday last week, which involved lots of visits to various National Trust sites in the West Country and that involved consuming vast quantities of really yummy cake. And I didn't gain a thing. Some people might relish the idea of eating indulgent cake and not gaining weight, but when you have IBD, it’s not really that simple. One of the main hallmarks of Crohn's is "malabsorption" where your body doesn't absorb much from the food you eat when you are in a flare. The hospital prescribed low-residue-low-fibre-fat-restricted-diet the hospital prescribed doesn’t help (I’ve given up the fat-restricted part now). And despite weight gain being one of the main side effects of Prednisolone, there is a small minority of us who have the exact opposite reaction to it. Gaining weight can be a bit of an uphill battle for some of us Crohnies.
So what I am asking is this. If you haven’t seen me in a while and want to comment about my weight, I am kindly asking you to keep your thoughts to yourself in my presence. Feel free to gossip behind my back about it, but I really don’t want to hear it.
And to that woman at the hair dresser? Seriously sweetie, I really don’t recommend Crohn’s Disease as a weight loss plan. If you want my Crohn's, please take it from me. I'll even give it away for free.
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