Trapped wind hurts. A lot.
Anyone who has had abdominal or pelvic surgery, especially procedures done via laparoscopy, has experienced the incredible discomfort and pain of trapped wind. It can almost be worse than the post-surgical pain. And it doesn’t just stay in your abdomen. It moves all over your body trying to find its way out. I remember horrible pain behind my left shoulder blade after my first lap. I spent three days with ice packs on my shoulders trying to move it out. Of course, that was when I wasn’t fighting through the Oxycontin induced hallucinations I mentioned in a previous post. . . .
I remember the nurse who discharged me after my first lap telling me that the trapped wind will be the worst part of the recovery. And I well remember her wise words about it - “This is no time to be a lady, if you get my meaning”. In short, she was telling me to let it rip!
I have repeated those words to more women having hysterectomies than I
can count. I even remember saying that to my niece when she was a
screaming, colicky baby as I was bouncing her, trying to get that wind
to move.
Despite belching and farting being perfectly normal bodily functions, we, especially women, are socialised to think that there is something very unnatural about it. “Ladies do not fart, they pass wind”, I remember being told as a child. (“Screw that,” I remember thinking, “I’m going to play with the boys!”).
Boys are socialised differently. A 3 1/2 year old boy I'm working with very proudly tells me every time he's "trumping" and he thinks it's hilarious. The British are especially coy about anything wind related. Maybe it’s the cause of that stiff upper lip or something. But the more you hold it in, the more painful it gets, so you have got to get it out.
I’ve never been a stranger to farting and belching. I can take down the best of them (I so need to challenge that kid to a "trumping" contest). I well remember belching a group of weekend warriors of the Royal Regiment of Canada under the table at a party when I was 19. They were very impressed. More impressed because I wasn’t even drinking Labatt 50 like them (I don't care if it's a Canadian military tradition, 50 is not worthy of the name "beer". I've been a beer snob from a young age.). Which is why I remember it, although I suspect some of them don’t for the amount they had. So, I’m not someone who ends up with trapped wind because they refuse to let it out.
However, I have a new enemy on the trapped wind front. This.
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| Fortijuce - Friend or foe? |
Fortijuce. The “high energy” (read high fructose, sucrose and maltodextrin. Oh, and milk protein to make it “nutritious’, or something) nutrion drink given to me by the hospital dietitian. Each 200ml bottle contains half a day’s worth of nutrients and 300 calories (and enough sugar to turn anyone into a Type 2 diabetic) and I am under strict instruction to consume at least two of these a day on top of everything else I’m eating. They are allegedly “easy for your gut to digest”. They can’t call it ‘Fortijuice’ because it contains no juice. They don’t taste very nice. And bloody hell, does it ever give me horrible trapped wind.
There are other versions of “Forti” drinks, mostly in a milkshake version known as “Fortisip”. That one was even worse for trapped wind. My acupuncture practitioner has dubbed it “Fortisick” because so many of her patients get physically sick from it. With the problems I have been having with milk, I’m still not sure if the milk protein in it is the problem, (the manufacturer claims it is ‘clinically lactose-free') or if it’s just the amount of crap that’s in it. When I brought this up with the dietitian, she told me that there is a dairy free alternative. What’s that made of? You guessed it. Soya.
Bugger.
In the off chance someone who works for a pharmaceutical company is
reading this, here’s an idea. How about making a nutritional supplement
drink that doesn't give you a bad stomach when you already have a bad
stomach? And how about getting it to taste reasonable? And how about
making something that is BOTH dairy and soya
free? I have enough friends who are doing battle with their kid’s food
allergies and intolerances at the moment to know that there is a growing
market of people allergic to both. Seriously, Big Pharma, there is money to be made here!!
I am persevering with the Fortijuce despite the wind, mostly to satisfy the clinic’s paranoia that I’m not eating enough. And if they need proof, this was my recycling bin when I put it out last night. I remember when this bin used to contain empty beer bottles rather than empty Fortijuce bottles. Sigh.
So, if you hear extremely loud wind expulsion from somewhere in the English Midlands, that was probably me. I don’t care as long as the wind moves and I can belch and fart. It’s when it gets trapped. It hurts. Lots. I have so much sympathy with babies when they cry.
